How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It, Non-woven Protection Suit
I am an obese woman in my early-30s. I’ve had some sex, and it’s been OK at best. Part of the problem is that I take a very long time to feel attracted to someone (akin to getting crushes with long build-ups) before I can feel a sense of trust and comfort in the bedroom. The bigger part is the immense fatphobia out there and the automatic rejection before anything can even begin. This has caused my dating life to be very meh—I absolutely abhor using dating apps; I almost exclusively match only with creepy men, or men lying about their age, or men with weird vibes that I am not attracted to. The few guys I’ve met up with off apps have been very average dates, even more mediocre sex, and we pretty much ghosted each other after.
I find it hard to open up and enjoy myself fully during sex with a stranger—the one time someone asked me what I liked, I felt myself completely shut down and mumble a nonsense response. Maybe because I come from an Asian household, I struggle with vocalizing my sexual needs. Or maybe because of some weird experiences in college that left me feeling weird about talking about sex. I feel embarrassed and awkward to tell a guy what I like—and that’s why I need to have sex with people I can deeply trust and be vulnerable with. Because I think sex is better for me with partners I truly have feelings for, I am in search of a real relationship. But I find it really hard to meet men in a romantic way organically because no guy ever takes a second look at me because of my size and weight.
I am a confident person, intelligent, and accomplished in my career, have tons of friends and a vibrant social and cultural life. I believe in myself and my self-worth, and other than my appearance I think I could be a catch (not trying to sound egotistical). I have accepted my body with all its flaws, including the medical reasons for obesity, but when it comes to dating or sex, it seems like good men just take one glance at a fat person and go running. As I get older, it’s more and more impossible to get lucky enough to find “that one person” who will love me for me and all that. All my friends are conventionally attractive, beautiful women who I feel simply cannot relate to my struggles with fatphobia. I just don’t know what more to do—just resign myself to a life without good (or any) sex? Triple my efforts to lose weight, even though it feels like it would be for the wrong reasons? What if I never find a partner?
—Fat and Alone But Really Cool I Promise
Dear Fat and Alone But Really Cool I Promise,
You know who you are, what you need, what you’re after, and what areas you’ll need to work on in order to communicate well with your partners. This is all great.
The fatphobia you describe is real. People are often shallow, and most of the men I’ve known over the years freely admit that they’re superficial when it comes to who they’re willing to get to know in the context of sex and romance. My heart has had a rough go of it recently, so I’m leaning toward the thought that “Most straight dudes are superficial.” They also often want to date women they perceive as more attractive than they perceive themselves to be. It’s patently absurd—the ranking, I mean, though the need to “move up the ladder” is also pretty irritating.
I’m sorry (for you, for me, and for several other people out there) that this is the case. Don’t overexert yourself to fit into society’s expectations. Foster your friendships—including new ones with women who are also fat and whom you can commiserate with about this from a place of lived experience. Get a pet. Get a really good vibrator (or an assortment of vibes, dongs, and other devices) and give yourself good sex.
When you do eventually find someone who is attracted to you, and you are also attracted to, keep an eye out for red flags. The difficulty of dating can encourage us to overlook mismatches and flaws when something does finally seem to work. Communicate about your difficulty communicating, and see how much patience they have for that. Lots of patience is a good sign. You feeling more comfortable with them as time goes on is another good sign. Good luck.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband of eight years and I have a fulfilling if somewhat routine sex life. We know one another’s bodies well. I finish at least once virtually every time. My problem is, I want to be more confident with dirty talking. I have some issues related to talking dirty because of many different instances of harassment and sexual assault. Though early when we were dating I did talk dirty at my husband’s request on maybe two occasions, I broke down and told him I wasn’t comfortable and why. He was very kind and understanding and has never brought it up again. However, I know it’s a big turn-on for him. I know therapy may be the answer, but we’ve tried a couple of times. We went to see a sex therapist about this and he was an older man who opened the session by positing that the issues I described may be because one or both of us are actually gay/lesbian (we are both bisexual). We didn’t return. There is another sex therapist in the area but the waitlist to see them is over six months long.
I want to be comfortable with doing this. I like it when it occurs in erotic media. We recently talked about trying new things in the bedroom and in particular, I want to try assuming the role of a gentle femdom. But how will I do this if I clam up? Though most of our communication in bed is nonverbal, it’s not like I say nothing during sex. I might say “a little to the left” or simpler phrases like “yes,” “oh god,” etc. But as soon as it’s time to say a slang or more overtly sexual word, I simply cannot bring myself to say it. Especially when it comes to describing my own self or acts being performed on me with these words.
Practice talking about sex in overt terms by yourself. Read some erotica that features femdom interaction to get some ideas, or start out by saying the exact lines that appeal to you. Look in the mirror while you do this. Put some feeling into it. Find words and phrases that feel good when you’re saying them.
If nothing feels right, at all, after really trying, you might consider whether it’s worth forcing yourself into something that doesn’t fit you. You might, instead, make your husband guess as part of the femdom role. Or use cards or dice meant for sex games to communicate nonverbally.
It also might help to reframe open and direct discussion of sex from “dirty talk”—I mean, the shame is right there in the name—to something like explicit verbal eroticism. Good luck.
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Dear How to Do It,
I (cis/het male) having a hard time connecting with my girlfriend sexually. We have been dating for almost two years and we have a great, loving relationship. I’m attracted to her and get an erection when we start to hook up. She nearly always climaxes. But for a variety of reasons, I more and more frequently have a hard time reaching orgasm with her. For example: I have a smaller penis and she had a larger vagina. She also prefers angles that don’t favor my arousal. Also, she doesn’t enjoy performing oral sex, which is usually something that reliably gets me off. (I know that this sometimes happens for some guys who masturbate frequently or watch porn a lot, but that’s not me; I only do that once every week or two.) This is starting to get into my head; our relationship is really strong in every other respect, but the problems in bed are starting to make me feel like I’m less attracted to her or something. I’ve tried talking about this with her, but it hasn’t helped very much. How do I discuss this with her or address our situation? Help!
So, you’ve told me about the problems with the sex you’re having, but given me no information about how you’ve tried discussing these problems with your girlfriend when your question is regarding your communication. I’m seeing a communication error between the two of you, and a communication misfire between you and me. How’s your communication in other areas of your life? If it’s generally poor, I suggest you see a therapist to address bolstering those skills. If you’re only having difficulty with communication in and around sexual relationships, try to figure out what’s going on there.
Are you ashamed? Start tackling those internalized messages. Are you lacking vocabulary? Read. Browse relationship books, or read the archives of this column and other similar columns (maybe a little Zachary Zane). Whatever works best for you. Is there some other issue causing this hiccup? Find it and start figuring out how to change things. You’ve got this, and if you want to write back in with more information about what’s happened when you two have tried talking, you’re welcome with open arms.
When I had sex with my first boyfriend when I was 17, he came very quickly, within a minute. He was embarrassed. I told him it was normal—I think I confidently asserted this based on teen movies—and that he would last longer the next time. The thing is, he never really did. Every time we had sex, after maybe a minute or two, he’d have to pull out or he’d be done (yes, he tried the baseball trick). The other thing is, I started to really love this.
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